The 11 Worst Movies I Have Seen
We all have that experience of getting up from the couch, or walking out of the theater, and thinking, "I will never get back the 2 hours of my life I just wasted!" But perhaps we can bring some good out of the cinematic sins that others have visited upon us. Or perhaps I'm trying to atone for having spent $15 to see The Green Lantern.
Note that these are movies that I have seen. (Thankfully, I managed to avoid Left Behind). Also, I will not attempt to explain why I saw some of these movies - except to say that college students have been known to do stupid things.
11. Bad Boys 2 was actually enjoyable at the time. But by the time it ended, I simply felt tired, and upon leaving the theater I realized that I had killed more brain cells than if I had spent the afternoon downing vodka. It was producer Jerry Bruckheimer who first proved, with Top Gun, that a movie didn't need to have a plot to be successful. Supposedly, the original script for Bad Boys 1 was so bad that he and director Michael Bay actually rewrote it. If only I could get my hands on that original script - now that would be interesting.
10. The American President. Political movies rarely work as good drama, simply because it is so difficult to avoid pushing an agenda. Director Rob Reiner didn't even attempt ambiguity or complexity. He made a thinly veiled infomercial for the Democratic Party, particularly then-President Bill Clinton, and against the Republican Party and then-nominee Bob Dole. Dialogue and situations were lifted straight out of the previous few years of political headlines, including the 1996 election and the Monica Lewinksy scandal. Like Facing the Giants (see below) for diehard Democrats.
9. Jarhead. Although well-acted and -directed, this Gulf War movie / Full Metal Jacket-remake fails to tell a compelling story or offer any redeeming elements. Part diatribe against the Marine Corps, part tragedy of a lost and confused young man, it is long on pathos but short on substance. Nothing about any of the characters, except perhaps the Sargeant played by Jamie Foxx, gives us any reason to love or hate them - only to pity them.
8. Scary Movie 1 & 2 are combined not only because I watched the back-to-back, but because they are utterly indistinguishable. (Don't believe me? Hook up two DVD players to a television and switch back and forth randomly. You'll never notice any discontinuity!) Like a desperate comedian losing his audience, both movies continually resort to sexual perversion in an attempt at actual humor. Parodies only truly succeed when they use the material of the original as a springboard to mock larger trends, and in this regard both movies fall flat and remain (thankfully) utterly forgettable.
7. Nothing But Trouble. I am told that this movie was intended to be a comedy. Unfortunately, without a laugh track it was difficult to distinguish those events meant to be funny, from those that merely appeared to be snapshots of the most bizarrely bad day ever.
6. Sex and the City 2. For the first 90 minutes, I found myself checking my watch, looking around the theater, thinking about technical problems at work, and wondering what we should do with the landscaping in our backyard. I could not find a reason to care about anything happening to any of the people on screen. I have never seen a movie whose subject matter was so utterly banal. The movie works only as an uintentional comedy, in that the central conflicts facing each of the four women are - if given any thought - actually hilarious. A sex addict complains she is losing her libido? The worst conflict in a marriage is whether to go out and party every night or watch TV every night? etc. etc. blah, blah, blah. The one redeeming element? A surprisingly accurate portrayal of Middle Eastern culture.
5. The Joneses begins with a truly intriguing premise: a "family" of actors who move into a very upscale neighborhood and entice everyone to buy various products through a combination of suggestion and envy. There was great potential here for an insightful look at materialism and the way we are influenced - by envy or the desire for social status - to buy things we don't need. Unfortunately, the plot quickly becomes bogged down by the conflicts within the "family," then veers into utter tragedy before suddenly ending on a romantic note. The actions of one of the main characters, a neighbor who spends recklessly to keep up with the Joneses and then defaults on his jumbo mortgage, are incomprehensible - it is difficult to believe that someone that affluent would have so little clue about his own finances. Rarely funny, occasionally insightful, but thoroughly depressing.
4. Scream. Senseless violence, no plot, and only amusing to the degree that it pokes fun at horror-movie conventions. That is, unless your idea of comedy is watching somebody get pinched to death in a garage door.
3. Swimming Pool. This movie should have been rated "X." And the plot (if you could call it that) made absolutely no sense. Reviewers praised it's "Hitchcockian sense" and the director claimed it "mixed fantasy and reality on the same plane." More accurately, it mixed gratuitous sexual content with a failed aspiration to be about something.
2. Jeepers Creepers. Not even scary, just pointless and disgusting. It featured bad acting, senseless gore, and a "plot" (using term loosely) in which evil wins for no particular reason.
1. Facing the Giants. Terrible acting, preachy dialogue, and ridiculous plots could all be forgiven when the movie was made by a Baptist church in the 9th poorest metro area of America. The real problem - and, unfortunately, the reason the film was so popular with many Christians - is that it contains, by far, the worst theology I have ever seen or heard. One reviewer called it "pornography for evangelical Christians." The gospel according to this movie: walk into a field and put your hands in the air... and God will give you a new truck, a winning football season, and cure your infertility! Truly an embarrassment to the church. And, quite possibly, the worst movie ever made since the invention of motion pictures - surpassing even Plan 9 From Outer Space.
Wow, I feel better now. Perhaps one of these days I'll write about good movies. Until then, consult Christianity Today's list of the Most Redeeming Films of 2012 - especially if you have seen any of the above monstrosities.
Note that these are movies that I have seen. (Thankfully, I managed to avoid Left Behind). Also, I will not attempt to explain why I saw some of these movies - except to say that college students have been known to do stupid things.
11. Bad Boys 2 was actually enjoyable at the time. But by the time it ended, I simply felt tired, and upon leaving the theater I realized that I had killed more brain cells than if I had spent the afternoon downing vodka. It was producer Jerry Bruckheimer who first proved, with Top Gun, that a movie didn't need to have a plot to be successful. Supposedly, the original script for Bad Boys 1 was so bad that he and director Michael Bay actually rewrote it. If only I could get my hands on that original script - now that would be interesting.
10. The American President. Political movies rarely work as good drama, simply because it is so difficult to avoid pushing an agenda. Director Rob Reiner didn't even attempt ambiguity or complexity. He made a thinly veiled infomercial for the Democratic Party, particularly then-President Bill Clinton, and against the Republican Party and then-nominee Bob Dole. Dialogue and situations were lifted straight out of the previous few years of political headlines, including the 1996 election and the Monica Lewinksy scandal. Like Facing the Giants (see below) for diehard Democrats.
9. Jarhead. Although well-acted and -directed, this Gulf War movie / Full Metal Jacket-remake fails to tell a compelling story or offer any redeeming elements. Part diatribe against the Marine Corps, part tragedy of a lost and confused young man, it is long on pathos but short on substance. Nothing about any of the characters, except perhaps the Sargeant played by Jamie Foxx, gives us any reason to love or hate them - only to pity them.
8. Scary Movie 1 & 2 are combined not only because I watched the back-to-back, but because they are utterly indistinguishable. (Don't believe me? Hook up two DVD players to a television and switch back and forth randomly. You'll never notice any discontinuity!) Like a desperate comedian losing his audience, both movies continually resort to sexual perversion in an attempt at actual humor. Parodies only truly succeed when they use the material of the original as a springboard to mock larger trends, and in this regard both movies fall flat and remain (thankfully) utterly forgettable.
7. Nothing But Trouble. I am told that this movie was intended to be a comedy. Unfortunately, without a laugh track it was difficult to distinguish those events meant to be funny, from those that merely appeared to be snapshots of the most bizarrely bad day ever.
6. Sex and the City 2. For the first 90 minutes, I found myself checking my watch, looking around the theater, thinking about technical problems at work, and wondering what we should do with the landscaping in our backyard. I could not find a reason to care about anything happening to any of the people on screen. I have never seen a movie whose subject matter was so utterly banal. The movie works only as an uintentional comedy, in that the central conflicts facing each of the four women are - if given any thought - actually hilarious. A sex addict complains she is losing her libido? The worst conflict in a marriage is whether to go out and party every night or watch TV every night? etc. etc. blah, blah, blah. The one redeeming element? A surprisingly accurate portrayal of Middle Eastern culture.
5. The Joneses begins with a truly intriguing premise: a "family" of actors who move into a very upscale neighborhood and entice everyone to buy various products through a combination of suggestion and envy. There was great potential here for an insightful look at materialism and the way we are influenced - by envy or the desire for social status - to buy things we don't need. Unfortunately, the plot quickly becomes bogged down by the conflicts within the "family," then veers into utter tragedy before suddenly ending on a romantic note. The actions of one of the main characters, a neighbor who spends recklessly to keep up with the Joneses and then defaults on his jumbo mortgage, are incomprehensible - it is difficult to believe that someone that affluent would have so little clue about his own finances. Rarely funny, occasionally insightful, but thoroughly depressing.
4. Scream. Senseless violence, no plot, and only amusing to the degree that it pokes fun at horror-movie conventions. That is, unless your idea of comedy is watching somebody get pinched to death in a garage door.
3. Swimming Pool. This movie should have been rated "X." And the plot (if you could call it that) made absolutely no sense. Reviewers praised it's "Hitchcockian sense" and the director claimed it "mixed fantasy and reality on the same plane." More accurately, it mixed gratuitous sexual content with a failed aspiration to be about something.
2. Jeepers Creepers. Not even scary, just pointless and disgusting. It featured bad acting, senseless gore, and a "plot" (using term loosely) in which evil wins for no particular reason.
1. Facing the Giants. Terrible acting, preachy dialogue, and ridiculous plots could all be forgiven when the movie was made by a Baptist church in the 9th poorest metro area of America. The real problem - and, unfortunately, the reason the film was so popular with many Christians - is that it contains, by far, the worst theology I have ever seen or heard. One reviewer called it "pornography for evangelical Christians." The gospel according to this movie: walk into a field and put your hands in the air... and God will give you a new truck, a winning football season, and cure your infertility! Truly an embarrassment to the church. And, quite possibly, the worst movie ever made since the invention of motion pictures - surpassing even Plan 9 From Outer Space.
Wow, I feel better now. Perhaps one of these days I'll write about good movies. Until then, consult Christianity Today's list of the Most Redeeming Films of 2012 - especially if you have seen any of the above monstrosities.
posted by Scott M Roney | 10:19 PM
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